On Presence

This morning, I am sitting at my friend's desk, using her computer, listening to her music on her itunes, and thinking about:

(1.)... how grateful I am that she is staying close enough that I don't have to go an entire three months without seeing her--this was last summer.

(2.) ...how big of a difference presence makes...I am the remaining soul in our dorm suite. Lauren is still here, but she is moving out in waves and training for her two new jobs in between. Last night, Rebecca, Lauren, and Natalie spent the night in Star. This morning, they took our beloved Natalie to the airport. By now, she is surely closer to Washington State than to us. This both pleases me and makes me tear up a bit. But, never fear...she'll be returning shining and new in the fall. She has more than one heartstring tied to the south, now.

What I mean about presence, though, is this-- a truth revealed to me by Lauren yesterday: people learn the most about themselves when they are with someone else. The things that I have learned about myself in the conversant company and mere presence of these women is astounding. I love them with all of the kind of love reserved for dear friends. For the dearest of friends.

(3.) ...how much my grandfather probably misses having a presence in a large, claw-footed, leather chair in his living room. I don't think I can fix that. But I woke up this morning wanting to sit there. I miss his eyes and his hands. I miss him more than I miss my grandmother. I don't mean that I love him more. I mean that I don't have to long for her. She is far better off than he at this point. And he is alone. And this breaks my heart.

(4.)...how being in good company makes time go faster. It's true that time flies when you're having fun. But more than that, I think time flies in the presence of a beautiful person or beautiful people. I have the most fun when I am in the presence of those I love. I don't short cut solitude. I need that. But, I what I am learning about myself from the nearness of others, is that the nearness of others itself is a beautiful thing. I want to see my reflection in this always. I want these people to understand that some of the most important parts of myself are most visible when I am cast off of them in reflecting gazes, or statements that fall out of me that I hadn't previously thought of, or the love that I feel radiating between us. It is very good.

(5.)...how I can't fathom the inner workings of God's creation. I am ever awestruck.